Internet Confused After Trump Gives Rambling, Incoherent Speech About Kidney Health And Makes Zero Sense

President Trump today signed an executive order directing the federal government to advance kidney disease research and kidney health to the forefront of American medicine — an ostensibly noble cause for a man whose general purpose is usually to make things worse for most people. But Trump has, since the beginning of his presidency, elected to make a huge spectacle of every executive order signing he has done, presumably in an effort to make it appear that he could just go ahead and run the whole country by himself.

That’s fine, I suppose, if he would stick to decent things like this. Unfortunately, every time there is pageantry involved in something Trump’s doing, it requires him to speak — and he loves the sound of his own voice. And even that would be alright, if one of two conditions were met: Either he’s an expert in the subject he’s addressing, or he gets a little better at speaking extemporaneously on topics he has little to no knowledge of.

Otherwise, it looks like the speech he gave today, in which he found himself awkwardly fumbling for words with which he could praise the vital internal organ as though it were a classic song, a fine painting, or perhaps a fond memory:

The kidney — very special — the kidney has a very special place in the heart. It’s an incredible thing. People that have to go, there’s people that have loved ones that are working so hard to stay alive, they have to work so hard. There’s an esprit de coeur, there’s a spirit like you see rarely on anything.”

Um, what? The only way I could make sense of the President’s bizarre pronouncement was to assume he was actually daydreaming about boobs, for which “kidneys” has become a code word after a mysterious prolonged absence by Melania last year.

Others had alternate theories: