Trump Boasts About His Magnificent Physique, Declines To Throw First Pitch On Opening Day

Would YOU want to repeat a picture like this?

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For the every-eth year in a row, Donald Trump has declined an invitation from the Washington Nationals to help them open the baseball season with a ceremonial first pitch, and at this point, it’s pretty clear not only that Trump is never going to do it, but why he won’t: Because he remembers the last time he did that.

The year was 2006, and Trump threw out the first pitch at a Boston Red Sox game — it resulted in the photo you clicked on to get into this article, a photo that we’re all pretty sure around the newsroom here that Donald would really prefer could just cease to exist.

But as bad as that picture is (and the hundreds of close-up multi-frame photos taken that day also are), I am actually thinking that he wouldn’t even mind making a stupid face and possibly whiffing home plate entirely — if and only if he and his team could decide who could be in attendance and how it would be portrayed. If there was nothing but Trump fans in the stands, like at any one of his insufferable, interminable rallies, he could simply issue a statement after the fact that he had thrown a perfect strike, release only the photos timed to look like perfect form, and call anything to the contrary of that narrative “fake news.”


And honestly, we’re kind of surprised he didn’t try something along those lines after his second doctor’s examination in a row that listed him in approximately 75 percent better shape than he very clearly is, just to try and drive the point home.

What he succeeds at instead every year when he turns down the ceremonial first pitch is reminding everyone what it was like to have a real president who followed traditions and gave a shit about appearing to be a normal human being.

Like these guys:

Thanks for saving us the side-aching from laughing so hard, Donnie.

Featured image via screen capture

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